1. The one-pixel “chub” camera. No longer will painters have a monopoly on large, monochromatic studies. Soon our one-pixel, 32 bit camera will capture a color “impression” of a scene without actually showing any details. Blow the pixel up as large as you like – you’ll see no degradation.

2. The “film” camera. This camera will use a novel approach to capturing imagery. Silver halide is impregnated in a polymer on a gelatinous base and exposure to light triggers a latent reaction that is “revealed” after a reduction reaction. The image is later stabilized and can be reproduced using projection equipment and the same process. Time consuming and boutique, but quite a novel and beautiful process.

3. fMRI direct brain imaging. This process will put an image directly into your mind using an fMRI machine. Plans are under way to encase every consumer in an fMRI and Tadsen Photography is leading the charge in transmitting (still only) images directly into the minds of consumers.

The first important tip that you might want to keep in mind is that many of those sliders and curve adjustments need to be done while eating a bagel. You may not realize that and it’s not in the manual, but any photographer would be a fool to ignore this crucial step. Bagels are doughy and taste bad unless they are covered with eggs and bacon, so you might want to spend more on the add-ons.

As for channels and the channel mixer in photoshop, it is not possible to understand these important functions. You can google them and watch some YouTube videos if you want, but I haven’t gotten around to that yet. As far as I can tell there is a separate channel for red, green and blue and then you can add some extra channels that exert tiny but not insignificant astronomical forces upon your data.

Alright, you’ve wasted enough time reading this. Now go do something useful.

Suffice it to say that experience is everything and whether you want your beer to look perky or your south-facing windows to look vibrant, we have the architectural photography and food photography experience to handle your job, right here in Madison, Wisconsin.

1. Do not leave anything in the oven if you leave the house to use Photoshop.
2. Do use photoshop’s built in filters quite heavily, as this is a new and novel way to approach photography and everyone loves the filters.
3. If you are using photoshop during a thunderstorm, it is advisable to hear a tinfoil helmet.

That being said, there are a few tips and guidelines that can be shared.

1. Blindfold the food.
Food has many dimensions, but the most important organ we have is our brain. When one sense is hindered, our other senses — via the brain — clamor to compensate. For example, a deaf person has increased sensory awareness — sight, smell, touch, and vibrations. Blindfolding your food increases her sensory awareness. She doesn’t know where you are or what you are going to do next. This creates anticipation.

2. Massage.
Sensual touch is one of the most highly relaxing and sexy things you can do for your partner, which is why it makes it onto our food list. Our bodies are almost without exception tense in some area, if not many areas. This hinders our energy flow — including food. Imagine a car that has a clogged fuel filter: the fuel (our energy) can’t get to where it needs to go quickly and smoothly, and the car performs inefficiently and ineffectively.

3. Play a game.
Get a pack of cards and play strip poker for better food photography. It may seem like something you would have done when you were in high school, but adult strip poker is a good way to get food photographed. Once you are both naked (or nearly naked), you can start on the really fun part: A loss means the other person gets to choose what action is performed on them by the loser. Time limits like one minute on said action means that it is a prolonged game of seduction, which by the end will have you both clamoring to be both the winner and the loser. There are many other games you can play “strip” to, as long as there is regular winner and loser to reward and punish respectively.

So to sum up: use lighting, don’t let the assistant eat the food before it is photographed, and stay away from prisons.

Bon appetit and happy shooting!

Seriously, though. There is a real science to marketing yourself as a photographer. What you want to do is to adopt a great big phony personality and then never leave anyone who hires photographers alone. This will get even the biggest hack noticed around town. If you can, just bluster right past any secretaries that might be in your way. Throw your book at the art director. Force feed the art director your ipad. Do what it takes, damn you! Do it now!

Don't misfire with your marketing.

But so what else? What else can you do? Well, not much. If they just won’t smile sometimes they are doing a little kind of power trip with you. It’s all like “I’m so annoyed at having my picture taken that I refuse to make the tiniest effort to fake a smile, or to get myself to think happy thoughts, or use the Method” or whatever damned thing that people use to get themselves to look really happy. Often I threaten to tell jokes. Threatening to tell jokes can get people to smile, but then sometimes they call your bluff and make me actually tell the joke. I’ve got a duck joke which is pretty good, and simple. It’s not the same as the quacking thing I talked about earlier, it’s the one about the guy going to the doctor with a duck on his head. I also have some photographer jokes and a dirty joke about Bill Clinton. But if you finally have to resort to telling jokes to get a smile, that is, if your stockpile of goofy expressions and your ability to quack have all run out, you are maybe almost in trouble. You better hope that joke works, or you are screwed. Good luck.

After some research, however, mainly here, Tadsen Photography discovered that centipedes bite and are kind of disgusting and so we decided to kill the thing anyway.